While Angels Wait
by charlibubble
Summary: "This year they were making the effort, they were looking after her and hoping she never sunk into the darkness again. What they didn't understand was that the darkness was where she always was, only occasionally would she see a little bit of light." GSR.
1. The End

**_A/N: Well, its been a while! I have been suffering some severe writers block but I think I may have finally stumbled around it with this story. This was inspired by a wonderful book that I read called 'The 5 people you meet in Heaven' by Mitch Albom. It inspired me in ways I can't describe and awoke the creative in me... it also spurred this story which I hope you will all enjoy as much as I have. It is a little AU but mostly it is about romance and love and learning that everything does happen for a reason. Hope you enjoy, drop me a review :) _**  
**_Charli xxx_**

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Today is Sara's Birthday.

She is 43 years old.

Much too young, some would say, to be facing the end. She had so much more she should have done, so many unanswered questions, so many unachieved dreams. Maybe that was why it came as such a surprise to her, when it finally came.

_It was, of course, a day like any other. She had wondered as she stared in the mirror if everyone felt the same overwhelming sense of emptiness on their birthdays. She genuinely couldn't remember a time when she had felt the excitement and anticipation of a birthday celebration. Certainly not one that hadn't ended in a crippling sense of disappointment._

_She tugged at the corners of her eyes, tightening the skin momentarily in an effort to relive a moment of her youth. She hadn't aged badly, even she could see that. Time had been kind to her pale skin and her thick hair. It reflected in her eyes though, the age and the apparent wisdom that came with it. She saw such emptiness in the vast pools of darkness staring back at her. Either she was an incredible actress or the people around her were oblivious to the cloud that shadowed the light in her eyes._

_Occasionally Greg would notice, in tiny moments of weakness when she let her guard down. She would notice him watching her with concern, the warmth in his soft hazel eyes embracing her like a hug. More often than not she would be able to shrug it off with a half-smile and an off the cuff comment about his dress sense or his hair but not always. _

_Sometimes he would see past her mask and turn up on her doorstep with a ridiculously cheesy movie and a bottle of wine insisting that he didn't feel like being alone when she knew, deep down, that the real reason behind his visit was that he didn't want her to be alone. She knew though, she knew that he was trying his best to keep her above the water, she knew that he was one of the only reasons she didn't drown._

_That day was apparently one of those days. He was knocking at her door, somehow she always knew when it was him. Maybe he had a signature knock or they had some kind of psychic connection from knowing each other too long. She had never considered it and as she opened the door she figured she probably never would. It was one of those truths people just accepted in their lives, like knowing the different footsteps in your family home as a child or being able to tell exactly how long it took to get from home to work without ever timing it._

_Greg stood on the threshold with a goofy smile, a paper bag between his teeth and a paper cup in each hand. She could already smell the coffee and the cinnamon muffin contained within his 'surprises' and without a word she took the hot cup and walked away, leaving him to follow her like he always did._

_This had become a tradition of theirs. A birthday treat he always bestowed upon her although the words 'Happy Birthday' were strictly forbidden. Instead, Greg would place a single lonely candle on top of the muffin and gently light it as he placed it in the centre of the small glossy table. Sara would always sip her coffee leaning against the counter, she would let the flame burn the wax away to almost nothing before pursing her lips and relieving it of its short life. _

_She never said it out loud but she felt sorry for that candle, for its simple destiny. Its only purpose in life was to melt away to nothing, she saw some of herself in it. Her purpose in life seemed to be similar to that of the candle, she was simply melting away._

_"Did you make a wish?" Greg smiled, watching her carefully._

_Sara pondered his question carefully, she always wondered what people wished for on their birthdays. Every year she would smile and shrug as though her birthday wish was some great secret but every year she would just wish for peace. Peace within her life, peace within her soul, peace in all its forms. _

_Greg insisted on taking her to breakfast. It was odd in itself given that it was 5pm and most people were considering what to eat for their evening meal. She and Greg were creatures of the night, as the rest of the team were. They occupied that strange in-between place reserved for criminals and those who spent their lives trying to stop them. _

_Of course the joy of living in Vegas was, it never shut down. Had she been in a quiet little 9-5 town the idea of eating breakfast at 5pm would have been laughable. In Vegas, anything goes._

_Sara dressed in a hurry, the presence of Greg in the other room bearing heavily on her mind. He wouldn't have minded waiting for her, she knew that to be fact but all the same she didnt intend to keep him waiting any longer than necessary. Within a few moments she was tossing her purse over her shoulder and asking him what was taking him so long with a sly smile. _

_Greg had brought the department issue Denali. They would go to work directly after their meal and therefore it made sense to be prepared for that. Sara climbed into the passenger seat, pretending she didn't notice the small smile of pride Greg always failed to suppress when she let him drive. She had been rather possessive of her position of control behind the wheel for a long time, it was something to do with the fact that her life often had the tendency to spiral out of control. When she could control other aspects of her life it made her feel less lost._

_Greg had been 'allowed' to drive many times since she returned to Vegas but he still had that look of surprise when she slipped into the passenger seat. It probably meant a lot more to him than it did to her, usually it just meant that she was tired or had papers to go through on the journey. Today it had more to do with the sleeping pills she had taken the night before in an effort to stop her over-active mind from running over ridiculous things at the most inconvenient time._

_But she would keep that one close to her chest. He worried about her, they all did and it made her uncomfortable. She wasn't used to having people fussing over her, she had spent most of her life being dispensable and invisible. Having so many people care so deeply about her was very new. If Greg even got a sniff of her taking sleeping pills again she would never hear the end of it...not after last time._

_Sara shivered, the memory gripping her body before she was able to suppress it and she could see Greg eyeing her suspiciously as he drove. She knew better than to catch his eye, instead the outside world suddenly became incredibly interesting._

_The passing neon of the city had never held much interest for her, she wasn't the type of person to fall in love with the chaos and uncertainty of Las Vegas. A part of her craved the serenity of the sea and yet she somehow always ended up back here, back where anything went and crime paid big bucks. _

_Greg pulled up outside a diner, one she wasn't familiar with which was unusual. They usually always ate at the same place, even after Franks was gone they found a new place to frequent and it became theirs. Not just her and Greg but the whole team, and the police officers and detectives they worked with. _

_Sara quirked a suspicious eyebrow in his direction. Greg was never good at hiding when he had something up his sleeve, he couldn't stop grinning and spent an inordinate amount of time checking for her reaction. He killed the engine and shrugged as he stumbled out of the truck and towards the door, holding it open for her with an over-dramatic flourish._

_The team was there, every one of them congregated around a huge circular table in the centre of the room. Some of them had just come off shift, it showed in the bags under their eyes and the way they moved to greet her with so much lethargy in their limbs. Some were fresh faced and smiling, coming here on their day off to spend time with her. This was her family, a very unconventional family she would readily admit but a family nonetheless. _

_And she knew the ulterior motive behind their gathering. It wouldn't have happened a year ago, they would have assumed she had plans, they would have wished her happy birthday in passing like they always did. This year they were making the effort, they were looking after her and hoping she never sunk into the darkness again. What they didn't understand was that the darkness was where she always was, only occasionally would she see a little bit of light._

_Breakfast passed with lots of smiles and laughter, she liked when they were all together. She liked the way the conversation flowed so freely and she didn't feel like the odd one out. She felt a part of something and that didnt happen very often for her. A lot of the time she felt somehow detached from life, she didn't participate in the whole dating game, she didn't spend her evenings drinking in a bar or gambling in a casino, she didn't have a network of friends outside of work. Work was her social life and people still wondered why she took so much overtime._

_It ended too soon, as was often the case. Soon everyone had to get back to their families, their lives or in her case work. She and Greg had barely sat down in the truck when his cellphone chimed and he rolled his eyes as if to say 'Here we go'_

_He didn't tell her right away, simply hung up the phone and pulled out of the parking lot and along the highway until they were clear of traffic and on a straight road._

_"We got a DB out in the middle of the highway" He explained "Probably a body drop" _

_Sara nodded, it was very likely. Bodies don't often find their way onto the highway on their own, she saw it so many times when people lost their nerve and dumped the body from a moving car assuming that there would be no way to find out who done it._

_In actual fact it was a good place to dump a body from an investigators point of view. The highway was well covered with CCTV, there was usually a number of witnesses and the haste of the driver to pull away often left great tyre impressions on the scene._

_Normally, Sara would feel a deep sense of calm approaching a scene. She entered a strange meditative state as she scanned the immediate surroundings. Once upon a time it had been known as the 'Grissom look' although that phrase was now somewhat redundant. Most of the team she worked with now had never met him._

_This scene didn't create a sense of calm. There was something so off about it that it made her feel uneasy right away. She couldn't quite put her finger on the source of her uneasiness but it settled in her stomach and made all the hairs on her arms stand on end as her heels clicked on the tarmac and the lights on the police cars highlighted the lowering dusk._

_She didn't get the chance to figure out what was off about it. It all ended before she did, all she could remember was the look of concern and confusion from the police officer at the scene before it happened. She couldn't even remember who the police officer was, he had no real impact on the situation except to point beyond her left shoulder. _

_She had spun on her heel, her whole body alert and alive and she had saw the bullets flying through the air, she had felt the impact of Greg's body as she braced against him and the last thing she could remember was his voice, calling her name as a searing pain thrust through her body before she was engulfed in light._

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_P.S Huge thanks need to go out to Otie1983, CSIJenniferLyn and DearSweetPapercut for their input, help and generally for putting up with me ;) *mwah* _


	2. The Journey

**a/n: Thanks so much for all your reviews :) Keep em' coming xxx**

Today is Sara's birthday.

She is 9 years old.

_The air was crisp and clean that morning as it greeted her through the open window. She had almost forgotten it was her birthday, something no nine year old should really be able to do. The only reminder of the special day that was to be was the small parcel placed on the edge of the flower bed in the corner of the garden._

_Sara smiled as she kneeled on her bed, resting her elbows on the windowsill. A book, it was always a book and she had no idea where it came from or who put it there on the same day year after year but there it was, the pink paper shining in the rising sun and the bow waving in the breeze, waiting for her. Like it always was._

_The first gift had appeared on her 6th Birthday. She remembered because it was the first, and only time she had had a party. A collection of her parents friends had come round with their children in tow and they had all sung happy birthday to her. She actually felt special for a few moments, at least until the drink had started flowing. _

_It didn't take long for the fighting to start, or for the friends to leave. She sat on the porch listening to the never-ending argument raging inside, she sat there waiting for tears to come but realised she had long since dried out. Then she had spotted it, sitting in the flowers with a small tag attached reading her name._

_Some sort of instinct told her to hide it from her parents. She wasn't sure how they would react to these mystery gifts but she did know that they didn't like charity. She had found this out the hard way when she had accepted a sandwich from a kindly neighbour. Her mother had yelled something about what everyone would think while her father attempted to calm her down._

_Since then she would make sure she ate before she got home or she hid any gifts or library books in her bedroom where her mother didn't venture. She loved to to read, it was her safe place when the shouting kept her awake at night. She would open up a book and take out the tiny torch she kept under her pillow and she would be transported to another place entirely. _

_A place where anything could happen, where there were infinite possibilities and where she could escape. As a child that had been her only escape._

_She crept past her parents bedroom. They were asleep, she could hear the steady breathing of deep sleep from beyond the door but she also knew how her father could snap awake in an instant and he didn't take kindly to people sneaking around his house. Not even when it was his own daughter._

_She had been caught out once, creeping to the bathroom and the rage she had seen in his eyes that day was forever engrained in her memory. He had flown out of the bedroom a millisecond after she stood on the creaky floorboard and threw her across the hallway like a rag doll. She had broken 3 ribs, something only found out 3 days later when she was still barely able to move._

_After that her father had taken her to the seaside and spent the day telling her all about rock formations and tides. She was always careful after that, careful not to get on his bad side, or let her guard down and most of all careful not to stand on that creaky floorboard in the hall._

_The downstairs was dark, it was always dark. She could never remember a time when the curtains were opened to let the light flood the house. Her parents lived in the darkness, the shadows were their friends. The reminders of the night before spilled into the hall, empty bottles and ashtrays scattered over the floor, she could still smell the sickening smell of their strange cigarettes hovering in the air. She had learned not to ask about them. _

_There was another thing she had learned to avoid, when she was sneaking out to go to school she always went out the back way. The locks on the front door were so noisy and even if she was as quiet as could be they would hear the door creaking as she opened it. _

_And this was the day she learned that._

_She had been so careful, dancing down the stairs avoiding the noisy parts, heading outside for her mystery birthday gift. Her brain had been awash with possibilities. What would it be this time? A fairytale? A great classic? Once it had been an Atlas and she had poured over the details wishing she could see the spring in Paris or smell the fragrance of the rainforest. Her small hands had carefully scraped back the locks as she glanced into the sitting room, her body suddenly alive with nervous tension._

_He never slept on the couch and she had been ill prepared for it. When she hesitated to peer into the darkened room the chain had rattled and clattered against the front door. Suddenly he was upon her, his fist colliding with her face as he descended on the doorway. She didn't know what he was so afraid of out there, she didn't know why he was hurting her but she did know one thing. _

_She would not try and use the front door again._

There was blackness. Only blackness and nothing else.

She had read about death many times, she had experienced people's final moments and looked into the empty face of death many times and somehow she had never pictured it like this.

It was never so empty in her mind. She had expected an explosion of light, some kind of fanfare or realisation that she was in fact dead and yet she just sort of floated there, alone in this vast state of nothingness.

For someone so comfortable with death she felt uneasy. For a long time death had been a huge part of her life, an old friend and at times the only thing she knew without a doubt she could count on. Death came to everyone eventually, something she held to be comforting in a way. The only certainty in life was that you died at the end of it.

She wasn't sure what she should do, it felt a little redundant just sitting there waiting for some kind of almighty sign. She didn't believe in god, she didn't pray or follow a religion. She found the idea of some great power holding the reigns to be almost laughable and yet there in that limbo she still found herself asking the question that burned on her lounge.

'Why?' She muttered, the words felt like sandpaper on her tongue. Scraping and grasping through her throat and then echoing around the space she occupied. She wondered if maybe on earth her body was in limbo too, perhaps that was why she was not granted the bright white light so many people promised her. Perhaps she was in surgery or on life support. She had expressed her wish to be given a death with minimal intervention many times but when faced with that decision it was easier said than done. She ought to know, she had been there, facing the almost impossible task of deciding another person's fate. A person whom she loved. Sara shivered at the memory but quickly suppressed it. Now was not the time to dwell. Now she had to figure out what she was supposed to do.

It struck her that she had accepted her fate very easily. She wondered if her career had helped her to recognise the end when it came. She imagined that it wouldn't be this simple for everyone, whether they be filled with confusion or perhaps they come in fighting she couldn't say but she preferred her version of death better, it was calm and relaxing and even although she was facing this uncertain nothingness she wasn't afraid of it.

A light caught her eye, somewhere in the distance. As cliché as it sounded she felt drawn to that light like a moth to a flame.

In most versions of death there is some kind of light pulling you towards it. Away from your body and towards some form of celestial existence. Sara followed it, trusting her instincts until a familiar voice shot through her conscienceness and stopped her in her tracks.

'Where do you think you're going?'

She froze, realising that she knew that voice like it was her own although it had been many years since she had heard it. A strange warmth cast over her as she held her breath and waited for clarification that this was more than just a silly dream.

'c'mere you' The voice said.

It filled the space around her like she was a part of it, just another syllable thrown out into space. It frightened her at the same time as it comforted her, in this strange place she was grateful for a spark of familiarity even if it did make her nervous. It also made her become more conscious and aware. Shapes started to appear out of the darkness, the white light remained in the distance. Hovering like a star in the sky but suddenly something was pulling her in the opposite direction, the direction of the voice.

'Come here pipsqueak, tell me what you learned today'

Sara smiled, he always asked that. She couldn't remember time where he asked her how her day had been. Maybe that was why she had spent most of her life unable to quench that thirst for learning. She always wanted to be able to answer his question at the end of the day.

All at once she could see grass all around her, the ocean in the distance, the shadow her house had cast across the lawn. All so familiar and yet so strange to her now.

She never thought she would stand here again. It had been flattened after... well it had been Flattened after she left anyway. She had gone back once, in an effort to bury her ghosts but had found only an empty space where her home once stood. Nothing to commemorate the once incredibly busy, thriving household. Nothing to remind her but her own memories.

She could feel the blades of grass, cool between her toes as she stood there waiting to hear her childhood self answer his question but no sound came and eventually she turned her eyes to see him.

When she was a child she could remember thinking he was the biggest person she could imagine. He seemed to be such an imposing presence in a room, something she now realised was more about his attitude than his actual size. She stood almost eye level with him and she still felt like that little child she had been the last time he saw her.

His hair was swept over to one side, a small smirk crossed his lips as he watched her and she could still smell the alcohol and cigarettes from his skin. Her hands instinctively curled into fists and she counted backwards in her mind in an effort to control the rage boiling inside her. She had no idea she was still mad at him, no idea that she still craved the closure of confronting him.

He stood before her expectantly, his deep dark eyes searched her own and she realised it wasn't her childhood self he was talking to. It was her, right here right now.

All at once he was huge again, towering over her and manipulating her just by being there. He was asking her what she had learnt. If only he knew all of the things she had learned, if only he could have seen the intelligent woman she had become. She had a wealth of knowledge enviable by some, she had been published and commended and coveted in her chosen field and despite all the millions of facts sitting on the tip of her tongue, despite the hours spent pouring over books in preparation of this very moment she could only mutter two tiny words to him in that moment. Two words that once she spoke them she could never take them back.

'I'm dead'


	3. The Beginning

**A/N: Thanks to those of you who are reading and reviewing, I really do appreciate it immensely. I'd also like to give huge thanks to ILoveJorja for being my very own personal PR machine and hopefully drumming up some interest in my little foray into the unknown. For anyone who has not yet checked out CSI Forever Online then I strongly suggest you do, they are a fabulous bunch of crazies ;) xx**

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A smile broke out across the mans face as he stood there watching her grappling with her reality. Sara was a logical person and while she had dabbled in the supernatural and unexplained she had always come out the other end with some kind of scientific closure. This was beyond even her understanding and still somehow she found herself accepting it like a fact read off a page. This was happening to her and she knew better than to fight against it.

She could remember how it felt to fight against death. She had been there before, more times than she would care to count and this time felt different. She had told Nick once that everyone had a time to die and that the key to surviving was to accept when it was your time and understand when it was not.

This was her time and she felt a strange sort of peace at the concept.

She did not, however, feel peace when she looked at her father. He had impacted on so much more of her life than she gave him credit for. Her childhood had simply been one step of her journey and she had been forced to carry some heavy baggage on her back since that crucial step. She thought she had buried the ghosts of her father but as she looked at the man before her she felt nothing but rage. Deep, burning rage that had been following her around for most of her terrestrial life.

"I knew you'd figure it out" He smirked. The look on his face made her skin crawl "You always were smarter than me. Welcome to heaven...or at least a part of heaven"

Sara curled her hands into fists and adjusted her footing. She was assuming a defensive posture, something she wished she had learned to use as a child but then of course she would have been too small to fend him off. That was the way he liked it.

"What do you want?" She growled through her teeth "Why are you here?"

"You mean you're not pleased to see me?" He sneered.

Sara had to admit that she had forgotten just how much he got to her. She felt like a little kid again as every fibre of her body told her to run away and hide.

"I'll never be pleased to see you" She whispered.

In her head the words had been a roar of defiance and anger but by the time she forced them to her lips they had tamed to a sigh. This had often been the case as a child with her father, she had tried to say the words but they had fallen silent on her lips. There were so many things she wished she had said to him.

Perhaps that was why in her adult life she never could stop herself from saying what was on her mind. That same defiance she had unintentionally supressed as a child in an abusive home and eventually in the care system had turned into a veritable volcano of a woman, ready to erupt at any given moment.

"So much anger Sara, that's why you're here you know. That's why you can't move on" He explained.

Sara had read research into the concept of heaven that followed theories of some kind of divine passageway into heaven. She had laughed it off as a fantasy concept at the time, an illusion created by religion to control people and also to give a little bit of peace to people in their final moments.

Sara hadn't had any final moments to speak of, she hadn't had the chance to dwell on the past as she waited on the final judgement. It had all happened so fast.

Maybe this was her chance to put to bed all the ghosts she had been harbouring and move on with a clean slate. Maybe this was her chance to start over...but first she had to face the things that tied her to her body and filled her soul with regret.

"I've been waiting for you" He explained "It feels like its been a long time"

Sara shrugged her shoulders, deciding that even if this was a dream or a hallucination of some kind that she should just go along with it. There really wasn't anything else for her to do.

"It has been a long time.." Sara mumbled.

"I've been waiting to say that I'm sorry.." He muttered.

The words seemed so foreign coming from his mouth. She had never heard him say sorry, despite the many occasions where it would have been appropriate and justified. He would skirt around the subject, he would be overly nice and buy her gifts but he would never say sorry. Sorry was a submission of guilt.

"You're not sorry and you are the last person I wanted to see here" Sara admitted.

In her mind, her afterlife would be filled with the happy memories. If she had to relive parts of her life before she could move on then this would certainly not be the part of her life she would choose to go back to.

"That's the point, I think. You have to put the bad to rest before you can move on to the good"

Sara raised an eyebrow, stunned by this sudden outburst of wisdom. She couldn't remember if he had been an intelligent man, he had put a lot of emphasis on her being a smart child but she had never wondered if he had been the source of her intellect. She took all the credit for that herself.

"Did you have some good in your life Sara?" He seemed to be hopeful she had and a wistful moment of remembrance settled over her. She soon shook it off, remembering was something she preferred not to do. As time wore on even the happy memories were too hard.

"I did..." she nodded sadly before adding "No thanks to you"

"I am sorry Sara" He began "I should have been a better father...a better husband"

Sara didn't offer him any kind of reassurance or forgiveness. She had tried many times to forgive him for what he did to her. Grissom always told her that forgiveness was key to moving on and she always told him that it was easy for someone who had nothing to forgive.

"I didn't want you to grow up like that...like I did" He continued.

Sara turned away, intending to walk away from him and spare herself from listening to his excuses. She had been naïve and trusting at one stage, she had gone through the whole rigmarole of hearing excuses and justifications just to be let down again. She had learned that there was no time in life for that and therefore she held onto the belief that she would have no time for it in the afterlife either.

Curiously she only found herself standing toe to toe with the man again, unable to escape or retreat from him or his monologue.

"My dad was real tough on my brothers and I too, I always said I would be different...I always said I would be better you know?" He laughed then, a humorless breathy laugh that confused her more than her inability to retreat.

"I remember waiting at the hospital for you to be born, I begged for a little girl. I prayed to god for the first time in my life...I thought I couldn't hurt a girl. I thought you would be safe..."

Sara was taken aback by this display of honesty. He had been taken from her before she had the chance to attach a soul to her memory of him and it struck her as strange to realise he had such thoughts. Growing up in the system broke her down to the point that she accepted it as fact that other people didn't harbour regrets like she did. They just didn't seem to suffer the same burden of conscience but as time wore on and she ventured into the adult world she began to realise that some people did have a soul and some people did care.

Just not the people she seemed to surround herself with.

"I wasn't always a bad person Sara, you know that..." He was pleading with her to remember; to recall those years she refused to bring to the forefront of her mind on days her chest felt empty and her breath lingered in the air.

"Do I?" She quirked an eyebrow, crossing her arms across her chest in a defiant manner.

"You do...Think" He met her eye attempting to draw the honesty from her.

"I don't want to" Sara replied spitefully not giving away her weakness. She had learnt at a young age that showing vulnerability didn't get you anywhere but hurt.

"You used to say that to me when I asked you questions while we read stories" He smiled. It was one she recognised. Despite her best attempts it was an image she had locked up and kept at the back of her mind and suddenly she was flooded with memories. Memories of holding his hand as she skipped through rock pools, settling into his lap to read stories and watching the stars on the roof when she was old enough to climb past the window sill. That was before it all got to him, before the drugs and alcohol invaded his system, before her mother wore him down.

"That didn't last... It wasn't too long before the whiskey won..." She stated taking a step towards him. "So go ahead tell me what a wonderful father you were... Remind me that I deserved what I got"

"I wasn't. And you didn't" He looked defeated. "I was a terrible father and you didn't deserve any of those things but I...We can't take life back... it happened..."

"And what I'm supposed to just let it go?" Sara spat at her father.

"No... It, all of it, made you who you are..." He paused. "And Sara you're a wonderful person..."


	4. The Friend

**A/N: This is my favourite chapter so far, be warned its a bit of a heavy one. Hope you all enjoy x**

Greg found himself in a daze, completely detached from reality as he floated around the hospital. The hustle and bustle of the emergency room carried on around him as he sat on the cold plastic chairs with his head in his hands. People came and went, the intoxicated tourists, the drug overdoses, the hooker who'd taken a beating...it was all business as usual here. But not for him.

A couple argued in the corner, their daughter sat near Greg with her legs swinging back and forth as she watched him. He couldn't see her, wouldn't dare force himself to make eye contact with anyone but he could feel the sympathy radiating from her. Even a child could see he was broken and yet, he didn't seem to acknowledge it. perhaps' he couldn't, the part of his brain that dealt with his emotions and logical thought had shut down as a defence mechanism, instead he was stuck in this limbo state.

"Greg, I got here as fast as I could..." Morgan's voice, somewhere to the right of his body. He had never heard it sounding so concerned, so frightened. He could feel her hand resting on his shoulder and knead the tight muscles there forcing him to acknowledge her presence.

"I...I'm waiting for the doctor" He mumbled.

It was probably the only fact he could force himself to deal with at this moment. Morgan sat carefully in the chair beside him, her hand reaching out to take his own as it rested on his leg. It was only then he noticed the blood, it seemed to take him by surprise as he held out his hands and stared at them with wide frightened eyes. Morgan watched him intently, sliding the backpack she had brought there across the floor to his feet.

"You'll need to change..." She explained.

His eyes moved slowly up his arms, his skin painted a bright red. His sleeves were stained with the blood of his friend, his jeans dappled with splatter and tissue. That was probably what the little girl was staring at, he was a monster to her. A blood soaked monster sitting there with his best friends blood all over him.

He nodded slowly, going into autopilot as people often did in these situations. He grasped the backpack and took to his feet, wavering slightly with the sudden rush of blood to his head. His glazed eyes swept over the corridor looking for a sign to show him where the bathroom was but he was getting nowhere, all he could see was blood on everything. It coated the walls, the floors, the doctors, even Morgan.

"Greg, come on. I'll take you to the changing room"

Her hand held onto his elbow as he stared vacantly down at her. He could hear the words, he could see her lips moving and he knew what she meant and yet somehow the act of absorbing what she said and following her instructions failed to happen.

She did, eventually, get him into the room. It was a tiny wet room with a shower on the wall and a full length mirror by the sink. He stood there staring at his reflection, analyzing the blood as memories flashed through his mind from the event.

It was a strange sort of experience. If he had been asked to verbalise it he would have come up empty, his brain couldn't seem to accept it as fact but when he stood there staring at the shape of the blood on his shirt, the hand print on his arm, the spatter on his trousers, he could see the events happening in flashes of action like a comic strip.

He removed his clothes while standing there, robotically and methodically, being careful not to smear any of the evidence. The investigator in him knew how important that was and the friend in him needed to find justice for Sara, whatever the outcome.

It wasn't until he was in the shower it really hit him. He had folded his clothes with paper sheets like he had been taught, being careful to preserve the blood evidence. Finn would take one look at them and know exactly what had happened, that he was sure of but as he stood under the water and watched the blood slip from his skin and swirl in the drain he was suddenly hit by a wave of sheer, horrifying emotion.

It was like washing her away, even although he hadn't heard the words yet, even though there was still a chance she could make it through surgery Greg felt the loss of her blood as much as he would have felt the loss of her life and it was so physically painful he couldn't even stand.

Morgan loitered outside nervously, passing polite smiles to passing doctors and patients. She was worried about Greg, she had never seen a person shut down so entirely before and she knew that before long he would have to break. A young doctor approached her, wringing his hands nervously with a sombre expression on his face. She figured the LVPD windbreaker had given her away, or the fact that she was standing guard outside the male shower room.

"I'm looking for the family of Ms Sidle?" He asked in a quiet, calm voice she knew could only mean bad news.

Morgan nodded, taking a protective step closer the the shower room door.

"Greg is...he's in the shower but I am her work colleague" She explained before deciding that it sounded altogether too detached for her liking "and her friend, I'm her friend too"

The young doctor nodded, seemingly considering his options carefully. Morgan felt a sense of desperation at the thought of him neglecting to tell her what was going on. It was a little less curiosity and a little bit more fear that what she would be hearing would be bad.

"Is...is Sara going to be ok?"

Morgan sought out his eye contact and his expression told her everything she needed to know. He shook his head, a tiny little movement that would barely be noticeable to anyone else and yet that tiny little movement shattered her more than the words ever could.

She felt dizzy, a strange need to sit down coming over her as she milled it over in her head. Sara wasn't going to be ok, she wasn't going to be slating them for eating junk food in the break room anymore or teasing Nick about his newest girl or teaching her pearls of wisdom on the field like it was second nature. It felt like an emptiness had been placed firmly in the part of her heart reserved for Sara and she could feel it growing with every passing second.

"I'm sorry" Began the doctor. She wondered how many times he had to give this speech in a week. She knew how the words became second nature after a while, she knew how they slipped off your tongue without really meaning anything after the first few times. She knew how stale they felt. "We tried everything we could but the damage was too great. She's on a supported life system at the moment to preserve her organs pending permission..."

He was asking for Sara's organs. Asking her, someone who had no real attachment to Sara to speak of. Sure, they were friends. She would probably consider Sara a good friend but they had never discussed organ donation or death wishes. She suspected it was something Sara believed in, she had spent her living years trying to solve and prevent death it would make sense that after her death she would want to continue that legacy but it wasn't her decision to make. It was far from her decision.

"Who is her next of kin?" She found herself asking. It struck her as a little strange that there was no-one she could think of who would immediately take that position of trust. She knew Sara had been married at one stage, it was something Sara avoided talking about most of the time and whenever she did there was a tint of sadness in her words.

The doctor shuffled some papers, referring to the file and dipping his glasses further down his nose. Morgan watched him intently like he was about to give her the answer to the meaning of life.

"It's umm..Gregory Sanders. Do you know this man?"

Morgan smiled a little, of course it was Greg. If she had thought about it logically it made so much sense that it would be and she knew that she would trust him with her life just as much as Sara had. She nudged her head towards the shower room indicating he was inside and the doctor nodded.

"I'll get them to page you as soon as he's free Dr. Joseph" Morgan promised.

With that the doctor disappeared into the waiting area and behind the huge triage desk. Morgan shifted uncomfortably on her feet realising she was going to have to break the news to Greg. She suddenly had a huge library of Sara memories at the forefront of her mind, all the times they had laughed together, drunk together, worked together, cried together. Sara had been somewhat of a role model for Morgan, despite the close proximity of their ages she looked up to this strong independent woman in their workplace frequently. She was highly skilled at her job but she was modest with it and she always had time to share her knowledge with her.

Greg seemed to be taking a long time in the shower. She couldn't claim to have kept track but the waiting room held an entirely new group of people now and the nurses seemed to be working through shift change which told her they had been there for a long time. Biting down on her bottom lip she hesitantly knocked on the door.

"Greg...is everything ok in there?"

There was no answer, despite her attempt to block out the hospital noise buzzing all around her. She pressed her ear against the hollow wood of the door and all she could hear was the steady flow of the shower hitting tiles.

"Greg...?" She pushed against the door a touch, just enough to allow her voice to echo off the walls and leave no room for confusion. There was either something wrong here or he was ignoring her.

Exasperated, Morgan broke into a panicked run in search of the doctor she had spoken to. She was suddenly terrified that the shock had all been too much for Greg, he could have collapsed in there and she had wasted precious minutes waiting around completely oblivious to his plight. She simply couldn't lose two friends in one day.

As she rounded a corner she collided dramatically into Nick. She would have muttered an apology and kept searching if his strong arms hadn't closed in around her and his deep, soothing voice hadn't filled her ears.

"Hey, hey calm down...what's going on?"

Nick read her fear well, he could sense there was nothing particularly right with this situation just by looking at her.

"Its...It's Greg...he's in the shower room...I think somethings wrong"

With merely a nod Nick was following her back along the corridor to the tiny shower room. He caught her eye before he went inside, calling out as he slowly pushed open the door.

"Greg...?" No response but Nick didn't have to spare Greg's pride or dignity he swung the door wider and side-stepped into the room leaving Morgan standing outside looking terrified. "I'm coming in buddy!"

He tried to keep his voice upbeat and positive when in actual fact he was anything but. Brass had broken the news to the rest of the team as soon as word got back from the hospital. Nick placed his feet carefully on the tiled floor, listening to the sound echoing back at him. It was eerily quiet and all the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. His heartbreak at losing Sara was instantly replaced by fear that Greg had done something stupid as a result. He had always been so close with Sara, right from the start they had created this amazing mutual closeness he had never been able to achieve with anyone but Warrick.

"Greg...talk to me man, come on now" He waited in silence, hoping that as he stepped through the water now pooling on the floor he would find Greg simply sleeping or taking an age to style his hair like he did in the good old days.

What he found was something completely different and something that would stay with him for the rest of his life. Greg wasn't in the shower at all, the water was pouring needlessly down the drain, steam filling the air from the heat. Nick quickly killed the flow and approached Greg. He was crouched in the far corner of the room, his legs tucked up against his body and his hands stretched out in front of his face. His body shook and trembled as he sobbed, deep gutteral sobs of sheer sorrow that felt like they stabbed right into Nick's heart with their rawness and honesty. Blood streaked down his arms and pooled on the floor around his body and at first Nick thought he was injured. As he got closer it became clear that the blood wasn't Greg's at all, it was Sara's.

Nick had seen more crime scene's than he dared to count, he had seen entire rooms soaked in blood and families obliterated but this scene, this image turned his stomach violently. He fought to stay in control, well aware he had to be the strong one in this situation. He had to be the one to take control and let Greg know that he was going to be ok because right now Greg was broken.

He crouched down beside his friend, resting a hand on his shoulder and demanding attention. Greg's eyes, brimming with tears and bloodshot looked back at him with unspoken desperation.

"Is she ok?" He muttered through his tears, Nick couldn't answer the question. He knew telling Greg the truth right now wouldn't help, he had to get the man back on an even keel. He had to regain the Greg he knew.

"Lets finish this shower and go see the doctor, yeah?" He said in a soft voice, as though he was speaking to a child.

Greg seemed to respond to this though, he clumsily made his way to his feet nodding the entire time as though the thought of showering had only just occurred to him. Nick turned the shower back on and stepped back to let Greg wash the blood from his body without any interruption from him.

He stayed in the room, by the door, until Greg was finished. He didn't watch, or speak just stood there in silent camaraderie as Greg dressed in fresh clothes and ruffled his hair in the mirror. He eventually sought out his eye, looking like an entirely more together person than he had earlier and nodded his thanks in Nick's direction before they left the tiny room together and faced the hospital corridor again.

"Thank god you're ok!" Morgan cried as she rushed towards them, she quickly scanned Greg for injuries and hazarded a glance towards Nick who simply tilted his head slightly "The doctor needs to speak to you, is that ok?"

Greg nodded, his eyes searching the congregated staff looking for the doctor he was supposed to speak to. He was guided into a small room painted light blue with a vase of fresh flowers on the table. He knew this room, he had been in this room before, to collect evidence or track down witnesses. The smell of lavender hit him as he took a seat, a scent that reminded him of Sara. He would always tease her saying it was an old lady smell when in truth it was a scent he loved and one that reminded him of her every time he smelt it.

"Mr Sanders...I'm afraid I need to seek your consent to use Sara's organs for transplant" The doctor began.

Greg frowned immediately. He couldn't understand how the man could be asking this question of him, surely Sara was recovering from her surgery in a quiet little hospital bay. She would wake up and recover like he had read about people doing in those trashy magazines Morgan brought in on Wednesday mornings.

"You...you can't have her organs" He mumbled "She...she needs them"

Doctor Joseph cleared his throat nervously and slid nearer to the edge of his seat. He leaned his body towards Greg as though they were sharing some kind of secret but Greg was shaking his head over and over again as he tossed the words around inside his head.

"I'm sorry...but Sara is not going to get better Sir. We couldn't save her"


	5. The Lover

_**A/N: Major brownie points to whoever can guess which episode I had in mind while writing this (its relevant) Otie is exempt and deserves lots of credit for helping me get this one just right. Hope you like! Let me know Please! xx**_

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Today is Sara's birthday. 

_She is 29 years old._

_She was still adjusting to the pace of life in Las Vegas, the humidity of the desert and the workload piled relentlessly on her shoulders over the past few months. Had she still been in San Francisco she would have been forced out for drinks with her friends, it hadn't taken them long to figure out when her birthday was and they liked any excuse to blow off some steam. It would have been one of those nights you look back on fondly but never quite fully remember all the details. _

_No-one in Vegas knew it was her birthday yet. No-one in Vegas knew very much about her at all except Grissom, and she hardly expected him to even mention it._

_She wondered briefly if he ever celebrated his own birthdays or if they passed him by like any other day. Knowing him like she did she'd be surprised if he even remembered when his own birthday was, let alone hers. Grissom was not the type of person to initiate a celebration._

_Like most birthdays the day had started like any other. She woke in frenzy, suffering the ill-effects of yet another nightmare. She lay amongst her sheets listening to the ticking of the clock on her wall and calmed her rapid breathing as she struggled to regain her grip on reality. She always hated that moment of confusion on waking. She hated the limbo, the control freak in her felt her grip on reality slipping away and clung to those reigns with everything she had. Another long shower scalded her skin as she set the temperature too high and hoped that the flow would wash away the memories that haunted her dreams. Another coffee bit at her taste buds as she skimmed over the obituaries to see if there were any names she recognized. _

_The coffee was something she hated about her routine. Every morning she would wait for the machine to trudge out a hot mug of sludge that she would then grumble over and place on the side after one sip. Moving to Vegas had proved to be a lot more expensive than she had anticipated and that brand new $800 coffee machine she had her eye on was destined to be out of her reach for the foreseeable future. With a shake of her head she ditched the offending coffee and threw on her jacket, venturing outside to a nearby coffee house._

_It was a bohemian little place tucked into a side street with a hanging basket full of daffodils by the door. She had stumbled upon it one morning while searching for an antique book store Grissom had told her about when she first arrived. Now, 6 months down the line, she was on first name terms with all the staff and had gained regular status._

_This was something she was unsure how to feel about. The free spirit in her longed to be wild and free, not to be confined to one place or a monotonous routine. The homebody in her loved the familiarity and sense of belonging she got every time she stepped through the doors and heard that little bell chiming her arrival._

_It just so happened on that day that there was something else familiar to her in the coffee house; or rather someone else._

_He was sat there in the corner of the room on a huge red leather armchair, his head buried in his book and his glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose as they so often did. It was a sight so familiar and yet so endearing she couldn't help but smile at it despite her best efforts not to._

_Gil Grissom was also a creature of habit. If he was here it wasn't because of some chance happening or serendipitous moment, he had been here before. Probably long before she had, he looked so comfortable there it was almost like he had become one of the features, like the paintings on the wall or the oversized furniture. She could picture him stumbling across this place, much the same way she had. Searching for the bookstore on a tip off from a work colleague or an acquaintance. It begged the question of whether the person who pointed him in this direction had meant as much to him as he did to her._

_Sara paused for a second, wondering whether she should approach him and disturb his moment of solitary indulgence or to coyly retreat into the corner and wait for him to notice her. The truth was, for a trained and talented observer he was not at all observant in his own life. In fact, she would describe him as one of the most frustratingly clueless men she had ever met._

_Clueless, frustrating, unobservant and incredibly, inexplicably enigmatic._

_"Morning Sara" The Barista she now knew as Joe smiled at her._

_He always said 'morning' to her, no matter what time of the day it actually was. It was a throwback to one of their earlier conversations about the joys of working nights in Las Vegas. He had wished her a good night and she had responded appropriately with a death glare and a comment about her day just getting started._

_"I'll take my usual Joe" She nodded, noting he was already halfway through preparing it._

_As she reached out her hand to pay he presented her with his palm and a shake of his head._

_"Already covered" He insisted._

_Her frown was met by a cryptic nod towards the corner of the room but as she twirled around to look the huge red chair was vacant and nothing but an empty mug and a book laid on the table indicated Grissom had ever actually been there._

_Sara shook her head and stifled a smile as she cradled her coffee mug and approached the tiny table. He always seemed to know how to catch her off guard, just when she was about to write him off as a robot he went ahead and hit her with something kind and thoughtful, like this._

_She settled back into his chair, shamefully enjoying the warmth that he had left behind as it embraced her. For a moment she sunk into a meditative state, the coffee vapor from her mug lingering in the air as she pressed her eyes closed and she was transported to another place entirely. A safe, calm place she wished she didn't have to leave._

_The chime of the bell above the door snapped her back to reality with a jolt, forcing her to sit bolt upright like a child about to be caught doing something naughty. Of course, had it been Grissom returning it would have been shamefully embarrassing to have been caught fantasizing in her boss' chair but luckily the young man who came in barely noticed her as he ordered his drinks to take away. Sara shook off the nervous tension and took a long sip of her coffee wondering how Grissom had managed to slip out without the bell alerting them._

_One of his many talents was appearing out of nowhere and apparently disappearing was just as easy for him. She drew her attention to the book, gently dancing her fingertips across the leather binding._

_She had told him about the mystery gifts she had received as a child, she never told him why and he never asked. The romantic in her saw this gesture as a nod to the 'happy' memories of her past. If he knew the truth of course, it would have meant something else entirely but his heart was in the right place. It was possibly naïve of her, she realized, to assume he had left it there on purpose. It may have been a mistake; he could have been so surprised to see her there that he fled the situation as soon as he set eyes on her._

_Their relationship had been strained lately. Becoming his employee had muddied the already murky waters and it felt like sometimes the tension between them became unbearable. They just danced around each other all the time in some kind of bizarre, misguided mating ritual. One minute aching for physical contact and flirty conversation, the next avoiding each other like the plague._

_Many times she wished she could turn off the undeniable attraction she felt towards him. It was both electrifying and terrifying but in truth she enjoyed relinquishing control sometimes. She enjoyed the small sense of satisfaction and victory she felt in moments like this, as fleeting as they were._

_She opened the cover of the book, taking a deep breath as though to soak in the contents and cast her eyes carefully over the title. Plato's republic, it was a book they had discussed extensively when they had first met. In fact, their entire dysfunctional and addictive relationship had been given its first push into unknown territory by this very book. Albeit a cheaper, more worn and borrowed version of it. Had it been a gift then the relevance was breathtaking but she knew better than to make assumptions about Gil Grissom._

_She distractedly flipped through the first few pages, searching for the answer she needed. It struck her that she was probably searching for something that wasn't there. It was all too often that the things she lay huge emphasis on were destined to fly over Grissom's head. He simply didn't have the tenacity or the savvy to court a women like she expected him to, or maybe he lacked the desire. She wished it would become clear so many times, the confusion that seemed to follow her around like a little black raincloud settled heavily on her shoulders in moments like this. Moments where the man she had built up in her mind was proved to be nothing more than a fantasy creation, an illusion of wishful thinking and just like every other man that walked this planet._

_Had Sara continued to the last page she would have found all the information she needed, although presented in a subtle, barely there kind of way, a tiny S scratched on the corner of one page and a G scratched on the opposite corner with a single kiss. That endearment would have represented a lot to her had she spotted it, instead she had bundled the book into her bag intending to slip it onto his desk at work and gone about her day with a chip on her shoulder Grissom never could understand._

_It would be many years before Sara would pick up that same book and learn the truth, many years before she could put it right and many years before Grissom ever had the courage to actually confess his intentions had been amorous all along._

_Sara threw her purse, with the offending book, on the passenger seat of her truck and started the engine. All the way to work she ran through what she would say to Grissom when she saw him again. She was unsure how to approach the situation. Should she remain aloof and simply offer him a nod of acknowledgement? Perhaps thank him for the coffee and return the book when they were alone? The thought of being alone with him at the present moment seemed to terrify her. She didn't know where she stood at any given moment, how could she put herself in a situation where she may be forced to analyses their relationship more than she already did?_

_The drive to work passed in a daze, her brain seemed to have tuned out of reality and become overwhelmed with torment over Grissom. This was not a new development for her, since she had met him he seemed to have a unique ability to monopolize her thoughts. It was one of the things that drew her to him so much, he made her feel everything so deeply she couldn't quite bear it and yet she craved his company, approval and his love more than anything._

_In no time, she had pulled up outside the lab and sat staring at the ominous block of grey ahead of her with a heavy heart. There were times she loved coming to work. She was blessed with the knowledge that she had chosen a career that fitted like a glove. She knew she was good at what she did and she prided herself on that. There was something special about being able to give closure to people in their darkest times. There was no doubt that it came with its own challenges and torture. She was particularly susceptible to the feeling of guilt and disappointment when they didn't manage to get that all important conviction. Her blood would boil if she had to watch the bad guy walk out of court with his head held high knowing it would only be a matter of time before she would be seeing him again, usually with another couple of victims under his belt. She had her moments of sorrow and despair but she also had moments of sheer pleasure knowing she had given peace and justice to those who deserved it._

_Today the feeling of butterflies in her stomach was nothing to do with a case or a victim or even a suspect. Her feeling of despair was down to Gil Grissom and the way he managed to always keep her on that hook no matter how much she struggled._

_The sound of her cell phone chiming startled her. Its tone cutting through the deep comforting silence she had created, his name lit up on the screen forewarning her of what was to come. It was almost shameful the way her stomach churned whenever she saw it. It was usually to do with a case of course, in fact 90% of the time it was a case but that little 10% that slid through was always a treat for her no matter how much she convinced herself she didn't care._

"_Sidle" She answered after clearing her throat. She internally cursed herself for sounding so nervous; her pride had taken a bit of a beating in the last few months. Grissom hadn't helped, he raised her up and watched her fall so many times she wasn't quite sure where she was anymore and that frustrated her. The lack of control she had at the moment was frightening._

"_We got a body drop off the highway, picking you up on the way" He explained, curt and to the point as he always was. Sara let out a sigh of disappointment; he never failed to confuse her._

"_I'm at the lab already" She explained, climbing out of her truck and glancing around the car park. _

_Grissom pulled up beside her, Nick already seated in the back. He'd even arranged a third wheel. He had already hung up, no goodbye or pleasantries passed his lips. She wasn't sure why she was surprised but the entire journey out to the scene she tossed it all over in her head. The book, the coffee and the distance he had now placed firmly between them. She couldn't tell if it was intentional on his part, it would help if he was the type of person she could have open dialogue with. She could just ask him straight out what was going on and get her clarity but they both knew it wasn't as simple as that. She would have been surprised if anyone thought it was as simple as that, even Nick felt the need to chatter inanely in the back of the car to distill the tension between them and when they pulled up the site behind Brass' police car she couldn't get out of the vehicle fast enough._


	6. The Promise

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews! Rosepetal was the only winner in our guess the episode challenge and therefore gets full brownie points and glory :)**

**There may be a slight delay in posting the next chapter as I am trying to keep 2 chapters ahead but I am taking the kids away for a few days mid-week so won't be writing. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.**  
**Let me know please!**

**Charli x**

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Sara was suddenly back in that place full of nothing, just a bright white light enveloping her and surrounding her in it's embrace. For a while she could feel nothing, see nothing and hear nothing but soon she became aware of something beside her. She tried to shift her body slightly and all of a sudden the air was filled with a ear-splitting shriek. Sara instinctively covered her ears with her hands and pressed her eyes closed.

It was almost as though the sound was drilling right through her head, filling her skull with its ferocity. As the sound continued to wail, Sara felt her body buckling under the pressure. She bent at the waist, her hands firmly pressed against her head trying to block out the noise. The sound invaded her space untill she was sure she couldn't take anymore. Something occurred to her as she tried desperately to fight off the pressure filling her ears; this was a familiar noise. One she had heard before in the darkest moment of her life.

Almost as soon as she reached this conclusion the sound was killed and was replaced by a steady beep. One little beep that may have seemed inconsequential to anyone else but Sara knew just how much that rhythmic little beep could mean to loved ones; it meant everything.

As Sara gained the courage to open her eyes she found that her surroundings had changed too. She was in a room, a sub-standard, run of mill hospital room with pale, faded green walls and flowery yellow curtains. She recognised this room, albeit from many years ago and drew breath at the realisation of who's room she was in.

"Hi Sara" Came a voice.

It was a voice she had never heard before and yet it was a voice she immediately knew. Her eyes were drawn to the figure in the bed. It lay perfectly still, breathing providing the only movement under the thin blue sheet and still she spoke. She spoke like they were old friends which Sara supposed they kind of were. Pamela Adler has been a huge part of her life, which was a little ironic considering she had never properly met her. She couldn't say why that case had gotten under her skin so much but Pam had awoken something in her when she had laid eyes on her. Something about this woman gave Sara the strength to keep on fighting. Pam had been one of the main driving forces behind her chosen career path, she had also been one of the reasons she almost left it behind.

"I've been waiting to meet you" Pam said.

It was a strange statement and although Sara saw her body remaining still and lifeless she could feel her smiling through those words. The warmth that travelled through them was incredibly calming and soothing.

"It's Okay" She hushed, obviously sensing Sara's alarm.

Sara was immediately incensed by her suggestion. It was far from Okay, this seemed like one of the worst situations to possibly tell someone it was okay.

"It's not okay..." Sara muttered, as though to herself "You're still like this, even here?"

She referred, of course, to the vegetative state Pam had been left in some 14 years earlier. In her wildest visions of heaven she had always imagined it to be a free place, where the burdens of your life were thrown off; the blind could see, the deaf could hear, the paralysed could walk. In no version of heaven did she forsee this for Pamela Adler.

"No Sara, I'm only like this for you" She explained, her hand curling around Sara's as it rested on the bed and squeezing slightly "This is how you see me"

Sara almost felt guilty for that. She realised that she had never been able to picture Pam as she must have been once. She was probably a vibrant woman, the life and soul of a room. She even managed to garner people's attention while lying still on a hospital bed.

"I don't want to see you like this anymore..." Sara felt tears forming behind her eyes "I want to see you smiling...I want to see the light in your eyes"

Just like that Pamela Adler was sitting on the other side of the bed, smiling at her and watching her with such endearment on her face Sara felt fit to let those tears fall free. She was still holding someone's hand, there was still someone in the bed, but it wasn't Pam and Sara was thankful for that.

"Would you like a Halo and Harp too?" Pam grinned.

The sarcasm caught her off guard and yet it somehow seemed very apt and familiar to her. This was a strange situation to be in, meeting someone for the first time when you've known them for 8 years was never going to be easy. Meeting someone like Pam and under these circumstances was even stranger.

"I just figured you'd be free by now" Sara explained.

It had been a long time since Pam's death, although she had held on to a slim whisper of life for 8 years in this very room. Sara had taken some comfort from the fact that she had been set free from the burdens of an earthly body, she figured that her passing was a blessing of sorts because it let her finally let go and find her peace.

"I am free" Pam smiled, standing and walking around the bed "You saved me Sara"

Those words made Sara's heart turn in her chest. She'd never heard them before, in all her years of chasing the bad guy she never got to hear from someone who had survived, who she had saved. The words seemed like a lie coming from Pam, Sara immediately began shaking her head.

"I didn't save you. I let you down, I made you promises I couldn't keep"

Sara had always held the belief that she had failed to get justice for Pam. The man they convicted had been out of prison in under two years and although he was responsible for her death, it was her husband who had eventually gone down for it. It had always torn Sara apart, seeing Tom standing up in court for giving his wife the peace she deserved.

"You got the guy. That's all you promised me" Pam soothed "Now I get to fulfill my promise to you"

Sara took a slow breath, she had always wondered how aware Pam had been of her surroundings. The question still begged an answer. Did she know because of all the times Sara had sat by her side and told her or did she know through some kind of celestial wisdom gifted to her on the other side?

"How could you make a promise to me?" Sara wondered out loud.

"I promised that one day I would thank you" Pam explained.

Before Sara could protest, Pam had taken her hand and guided her away from the sterile little room. They stepped through the bright white nothing and she became aware of voices filling the space.

"How many people do you think you saved just be putting that one man away?" Pam asked her.

The sound of the voices became louder and clearer as Sara shrugged her shoulders. She soon realised that these were voices expressing their thanks and gratitude. She didn't recognise them but felt like she knew them all all the same. These were the voices of victims.

"You're a guardian angel Sara. You helped all these people find peace and justice. Every one of them"

The volume continued to increase until it felt like she was standing in a stadium full of people. All people she had come across in her working life, all people she had fought for and spoke for when they couldn't.

"You've just been waiting here for me this entire time..." Sara muttered.

It was a realisation she wasn't sure she wanted to vocalise. It had been bad enough knowing Pam had spent 8 years of her life in a hospital bed, she wasn't sure how she felt about her spending the rest of her time waiting for her.

"It's my turn to be your angel, to guide your way... and its not as bad here as you think. I've laid all my ghosts to rest now. I can leave this place now but I wish I didn't have to...this is what I chose. This is my happy place"

Pam gestured a gentle hand towards the bright white and it melted away to reveal a different scene altogether.

Sara could feel the sun beating down on her skin, a gentle breeze moved strands of her hair and laughter filled the air. She was standing in a garden, a small one storey home stood before her casting a long shadow on the grass. People stood in small groups chatting amoungst themselves with glasses of wine and bottles of bee in their hands. They were all well dressed, it didn't take Sara long to figure out they had been at a wedding.

As if on cue, Pamela and Tom rounded the house to rapturous applause and a storm of confetti filled the air and twirled around in the blue of the sky.

Beside her, Pam beamed with joy and Sara could feel the happiness in every one of the guests. It filled her heart with love and pleasure as she watched the scene unfolding before her. She could never have pegged herself as a romantic, she had never really had a good example of a romantic relationship to strive to but the scene before her, the scene she was becoming a part of painted a smile on her lips and gave her a sense of happiness and joy.

"I don't know what comes next" Pam confessed, answering an unspoken question "maybe nothing...but I'm ready for it. You're the last piece of my puzzle"

The party began to fade, the sound died away slowly leaving them standing in the white again, face to face.

"I was so afraid of you..." Sara confessed. She had never told anyone how much fear it had struck in her soul to process a living victim. She was afraid that Pam would wake up, she was afraid that she wouldn't, she was afraid of hurting her, of causing her more pain, she was afraid of everything Pam represented. Everything she saw in herself.

Pam didn't seem to be confused or offended by this confession, almost as though she had always known it to be true.

"Are you afraid of me now?" She whispered.

Sara shook her head. She had put her fear to rest now she'd been given the clarity of meeting her. The tormented shadow in her soul reserved for Pam had been released.

"That's good" Pam nodded "Never be afraid. Fear is a wasted emotion, Love will see you through. Love will be your final step"

Pam's voice was becoming faint and her presence in the space Sara occupied was becoming fluid as she faded away. Sara was struck by a wave of panic, there was so much she still had to ask. So many things she still wanted to know.

"I don't want you to go!" She cried, tears stinging at her eyes as she valiantly fought them off

Pam wrapped a protective arm around her shoulder "I have to. It's ok Sara, you saved me"

"What about Tom? What happened to him?"

"He gets his own journey, like we all do" She explained.

"How will I know when its over?" Sara almost begged her, she prided herself on her knowledge. Knowledge was power, in this situation her lack of power terrified her.

"You'll be happy..." Pam smiled as she walked away slowly, disappearing into the bright light.

"I don't know what that feels like" Sara confessed sadly, the tears now breaking free and warming her face.

"You will" Pam assured her before becoming nothing more than a memory.

Sara felt all her energy disappear with her. Her body felt just about ready to give up on her and she buckled at the waist impacting with a hard plastic chair. She almost welcomed the steady beeping that filled her ears and the clarity of her surroundings returning. She was back in a hospital room, back to sitting beside the bed, back to the waiting game. Her tired eyes slowly raised to the bed before her, expecting to see the shape of Pam in the bed and the figure of Tom opposite her.

What she actually saw caught the breath in her chest. Greg was at the other side of the bed, his hand clutching onto something she couldn't see, he looked devastated. His eyes were red rimmed from crying, his hands trembling, his lip shaking as he tried to bite down on it to keep in control. Sara shifted in her chair, attempting to see who was in the bed making Greg act this way but as soon as her eyes caught sight of it she wished she hadn't.

She was the one in the bed, it was her.


	7. The Visit

**A/N: HUGE thanks to Otie for her help with this chapter, She's a good'un ;)  
Hope you are all well and enjoy this. It was a tough one to write although I knew what I was trying to get across… let me know what you think xxx**

It seemed like a strange thing to be looking at; herself.

She lay there looking frail and vulnerable, wires stretching out of her arms and a tube down her throat. It struck her as peculiar that she couldn't feel it in the form she now assumed. Her hand found her throat, feeling for any indication of the plastic but there was none. Her neck was as soft and smooth as it always had been. She looked so small, something else she found odd. She had never considered herself to be small, in fact, being slightly taller than average had given her a complex for most of her life.

Greg sat by her side, the embodiment of a grieving partner. His hand grasped hers as though he was afraid to let it go, his fingers laced around hers, his thumb tracing circles on top of her hand. She held the hand up to her face, the warmth she felt around it was somewhat comforting. She still had some tiny link to her earthly body apparently and on the bed her fingers twitched as though in agreement.

Greg startled at the movement and Sara realised just how much he was going through right now. He looked devastated. This wasn't a complete shock to Sara of course, she and Greg had never been romantically involved but that didn't mean they didn't share a strong emotional connection. He would be lost without his best friend, his sidekick, his confidante, his soul mate.

That was a foreign concept to her; considering herself Greg's soul mate but she accepted that it was an accurate description. She had slowly come to realise that soul mates weren't always someone's husband or wife. Sometimes people were lucky enough to find their soul mate in the form of their best friend. Greg had been a constant in her life for a long time. He had listened to her troubles, teased her about her misguided conquests and shared one too many beers on lonely Friday nights.

By his side she uttered a quite thank you. There was so much she could say to him, so many things she needed to thank him for.

The second the sound left her lips, Greg shivered, like someone had run a finger down his spine. She wondered momentarily if those chills had been a sign of the afterlife all along, a message of love and gratitude from beyond the grave.

She had felt that same sensation many times but she could think of only one person who would want to spend a moment of their afterlife whispering in her ear, and even then she couldn't be certain they actually would.

Her attention turned to the bed. She had been shot, she knew this to be fact and yet she was stuck by the apparent peacefulness of her body. There were no obvious injuries, no blood smeared sheets, no trauma to speak of. She lay there with the sheets carefully smoothed over her, her eyes gently closed and her hands arranged carefully on her abdomen.

She had been posed.

She was sure if she looked closely enough she could spot a smear of lip gloss shining on her mouth. It was a tool of the doctors, when they knew there was little hope. They made the body appear as calm as possible to make the situation less traumatic for the loved ones. It was incredibly frustrating as a criminalist to find a body this way, stripped of all evidence.

It wouldn't work for Greg, he was a professional and he had seen exactly what happened to bodies when they finally turned the machines off. That could be why she could sense so much reluctance in him, he didn't want to be responsible for letting her waste away.

A doctor came shuffling into the room, his eyes shifty and nervous as he avoided eye contact with Greg. He looked too young to be doing this job, he still had hope and freshness in his eyes, it hadn't worn him down yet. It was painfully obvious he was not experienced at it; Sara could sense his nerves filling the room as he clutched his clipboard and tucked a strand of sandy coloured hair behind his ear. He hastily took the chair opposite Greg and surveyed the scene before him. A long silence descended between them, Greg kept his eyes trained on her unconscious form almost as though he was waiting for her to break the silence.

"I know why you're here" Greg finally muttered sounding exhausted already.

"I uhh… I'm here to get your consent" The doctor confirmed as Greg nodded sadly "Then I need to take her away for the harvest"

Harvest.

It was such a poor choice of word. So clinical and unfeeling she didn't blame Greg for the hurt and sorrow that flashed in his eyes. She could feel rage building up in him; in fact she could feel everything he was feeling. The feeling of loss filled up inside of her like a black hole taking her breath away.

The door was darkened by the bodies of more people. Morgan rested a gentle reassuring hand on Greg's shoulder as Nick crouched by his side. Brass stood staunch and supportive in the doorway, his arms folded across his chest but an expression of sorrow on his features despite his aggressive stance.

The sheer volume of emotions she could feel was almost painful, it filled her body and her mind until she was fit to burst. She could feel Greg's hurt like a dagger through her heart, Morgan's concern as it weighed on her shoulders, Nick's grief like a shadow and Brass' rage like a fire. She felt it all like it was her own. She almost longed for the silence she had found in limbo.

She wanted to help them, to tell them that she was ok and they didn't have to worry about her anymore. She wanted to whisper in each one of their ears to tell them how much they meant to her. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that it was time to let go. She wanted to tell Greg that he didn't have to be afraid and that she loved him.

The intensity of emotions she felt seemed to suffocate her, she couldn't breathe let alone speak. It felt like she was being torn internally limb from limb and spun in circles all at once until she was screaming for it to stop.

All of a sudden she felt heat all over her body and a strange tingling sensation crawled over her skin. She couldn't see anyone anymore, despite her best efforts to open her eyes she seemed to have no control over them. Her throat was filled with an unforgiving plastic tube that made her gag and choke which apparently started a flurry of activity in the room around her.

Alarms sounded, footsteps came rushing towards her and Greg's grip on her hand tightened in desperation. At this point she realised that she had returned to her body. People were ushered out of the room although Greg remained firm and unwavering as he grasped her hand like a lifeline.

"Sara? Can you hear me Sara?" The voice was commanding and stern, this was a consultant with power and responsibility. She could tell.

A light was flashed in her eyes as she tried desperately to respond. Her body was still detached from her somehow, she couldn't seem to forge the bond she needed to be able to control it and she realised suddenly that she wasn't sure she wanted to.

There were many reasons for her to return, many unspoken confessions and unfulfilled dreams but at the same time she had an insatiable curiosity for the unknown. That same curiosity had fuelled her for many years and she was finally beginning to get the answers she had craved, she wasn't sure she could turn her back on that right now.

Soon silence filled her ears again, only this time instead of bright whiteness she could see only black. Instead of weightlessness she could feel every scratch, ache and twinge in her tired, broken body. Instead of the clarity of mind she had enjoyed previously her thoughts were hazy and unconnected, almost as though she was thinking through a veil of fog.

Greg's voice was the only thing she could attach to. The only thing that penetrated both her conscious and unconscious mind and coincidentally the only thing she actually wanted to hear at that time.

"I don't know if you can hear me, they keep telling me you're not here anymore so I guess you probably can't" This simple confession made him take a gasping breath to calm himself and Sara found herself wishing she could wrap him in her arms and reassure him. "They always make this seem so easy on TV, I thought I'd have a million things to say to you but I can't think of anything…but I do know I don't want you to go. I need you Sara, I need you to smile at me in the mornings and tease me for my hair…I need you to eat all my ice cream and make me buy wine I don't drink…"

The memories flooded in like a tornado, spinning her in circles. She could remember laughing with him; the joyous feeling built from her stomach and filled her consciousness with happiness. They laughed a lot, about everything and about nothing. He was one of the only people who could make her laugh even when tears were falling from her eyes, he could make them shatter like glass with a few words or a well delivered story.

"I wish I could bring you back, I should have protected you and now…you're gone… I let you down"

Greg's tears fell freely now and she willed herself to squeeze his hand or call out to him but she could do nothing but lie there and listen to the guttural sobs that escaped through his lips. It was a horrible feeling, being so incredibly helpless when the person you loved was in such desperate need. With one almighty effort she heaved herself upright and was freed from her body once more.

Sara immediately swept to his side, her arm wrapping around his shoulders for comfort although it did little. He had no idea she was there; at least she assumed he didn't. She shrugged off the way the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and the way he paused for a fraction of a second to scan the room. She shrugged it all off because that's what he did and if he couldn't cope with his instincts right now then she had to let him deal with it in the way he wanted.

Morgan came back into the room, her eyes wide with concern. She couldn't feel their emotions like before but it was clear she cared a great deal for Greg. She crouched to the ground and wrapped her arm around him in much the same way Sara had, for a second their bodies assumed the exact same space and when Greg's hand reached out to Morgan's arm Sara could feel his fingertips on her skin like it was happening to her.

The moment stole her breath with overwhelming power, she would miss all this. Never again would she feel the touch of another person, never would she comfort someone or look into their eyes. He had gifted her with a precious moment, a final touch goodbye and he had no idea he had done it.

Greg wasn't ready to let her go but Sara was ready to leave. With a wistful sigh she placed her lips on his forehead and whispered her goodbyes into the air. She didn't need to leave him with any wisdom, he had so much love in his heart that he was wiser than she could ever have claimed to be, and instead she whispered an endearment she knew he would cherish. She whispered her love for him.


	8. The Book

_A/N: I really need to extend a huge apology for this update taking so long. I have had a lot going on in RL, it took over a bit as RL often does. I had such a clear vision for this chapter that I actually thought I had wrote it already. After searching every notebook I own I realised my vision was just that, a vision and I then had to get the vision into print so that I could share it with you. I am sorry if I have lost you, I'll try not to take this long again but inspiration is sometimes just as evasive as time can be when RL gets crazy. If you are still her then I love you! I am glad you are reading and enjoying this and I have brought you what you were all waiting for: GSR __  
Read.  
Enjoy.  
Review._

Thank you xx

* * *

_Today is Sara's birthday._

_She is 34 years old._

_The sound of her door closing for the last time made her heart skip a beat. It was the end of an era in her life, a full stop at the end of a sentence, the end._

_She stood for a long moment with her hand resting on the cool wooden exterior. She couldn't claim to have made fond memories inside her tiny apartment but she had made a home there and for someone like Sara, a home was a big deal._

_Her mind shot back to the first time she had laid eyes on this little box. She had been on a tight budget and an even tighter time scale, the landlord ushered her inside the tiny whitewashed space and lingered in the doorway like a shadow while she looked around. It had no personality back then, no soul, but she saw something in the space that no one else had. She saw her home._

_She had filled it with plants and photographs, late night phone calls and early morning dinners. It had assumed her personality, as most homes did and if she was really honest with herself she was genuinely scared about leaving it behind._

_She hardly spent any time here anymore and it made sense both financially and socially that she should give it up but it had become somewhat of a security blanket for her. A place she could go when it all fell apart. She hadn't had to use it yet but that was beside the point. Experience had taught Sara that happiness was short lived and shadows were always lurking in the corners._

_There was even a name for it; Cherophobia - the fear of being too happy because you think something tragic will happen. Sad to think that being happy was something to fear but it had actually served her well. Expecting sorrow and disappointment made it less of a shock when she was proved right._

_With an exaggerated breath she stepped away from the door and turned her back on her 'old life'. Her footsteps echoed off the walls as she made her way down the stairwell, she knew this place like the back of her hand. She knew every crack and smudge on the bricks, she knew where every plant was placed and where everyone left their bicycles, she knew every one of her neighbours and their routines. She was going to miss it._

_Still, she recognised it was time to move on and it hadn't been a decision she had taken lightly. Far from it in fact, she had spent an inordinate length of time tossing the idea around in her brain. The scientist in her wanted to be sure she looked at it from every angle before she made her final decision and even then it had been several weeks before she had finally accepted that her future was in a different place, in a different home than she had expected._

_Life had a way of bringing her the unexpected. She couldn't claim to have expected the moment when Grissom had took her hand and looked deep into her eyes to confess his true feelings for her. It had taken her so off guard she still found herself feeling breathless when she thought about it. She would never have dared to dream of moving in with him, it was a huge step and neither of them were known for diving into things. Yet, here she was driving across town with a trunk full of her belongings and a completely irrepressible smile on her face._

_It was frightening, daunting and outrageous to think of herself and Grissom actively sharing a home but it was also something she longed to make a reality and she knew she would cherish for years to come._

_His townhouse stood proud against the backdrop of the city, autumn turning the leaves from green to brilliant reds and oranges. She had spent many evenings here, and many mornings whiling away the hours between shifts just reading in the garden or watching Grissom cook. He was a talented chef, something she had genuinely found surprising about him and something that was undeniably attractive. The place had been a duplicate of his office at first. Piles of books and paperwork filling every surface, bugs and oddities scattered on the shelves, butterflies adorning the walls beside anatomy drawings and unusual plants. A person who didn't know Grissom would think it an odd place to be. A person who wasn't used to his eccentricities would find it uncomfortable when told that 'Steve' was out for a wander again but Sara embraced the things that made Grissom so terribly Grissom-like. _

_Nobody else in the world could mix cooking with entomology quite as easily as he could, nobody could serve up a fresh home cooked meal while discussing decapitated bodies in grim detail and still set the table like they were waiting for the queen to arrive. Nobody understood the enigma that was Grissom quite like she did, and even she had to admit that sometimes he evaded even her understanding._

_She stood for a moment between the sidewalk and her new home taking stock of the situation. The sounds of the city formed the soundtrack of her next chapter and she realised there was no turning back. As soon as she walked through that door they would be an official couple. The closest to an official couple she had ever been in, perhaps that was the root of her fear._

_Her footsteps had never sounded so loud. Each and every movement assumed a life of its own as nerves continued to take hold of her body and her mind. By the time she arrived at the door her hands trembled uncontrollably and then she had a sudden moment of clarity through her murky thoughts. _

_She thought of a time when she had felt genuinely happy, or at least, as happy as she figured she would ever get to be; Her body stretched out in the cocoon of sheets wrapped around them, her toes pointing south like a ballerina standing en piste. She could touch the edge of the bed like this; the cold would bite at her toes to remind her of the grim reality lying out with their sanctuary._

_Her head rested in the crook of his arm, a natural place for her to nestle. She fit there, much like it was where she had always belonged and coincidentally that's exactly how she felt. In this position the entire length of her body was touching his, she could hear the melodious sound of his Heartbeat pumping away. A testimony to the life running through his veins and she thought about how much she adored the sound, she could almost feel his blood rushing through his extremities if she thought about it hard enough. Grissom's left arm wrapped around her body, tracing invisible patterns on the pale white skin of her back as they lay there. _

_He always slept on the right; she had pondered the reasons for this many times coming to the eventual realisation that it was simply an inexplicable habit. This was her happy place. Nestled in his arms in the bedroom that was about to become theirs, closed off from reality. She felt safe for the first time in years and allowed herself that moment of sheer happiness because of that. One thing she knew for certain about Gil Grissom is that he would do anything he could to protect her from harm._

_This thought and this thought alone is what brought her through the door that day. The thought of her happy place and the sound of that heartbeat in her ears drew her into her home with a much stronger pull than the fear. _

_Love conquers all they say, and as she stepped into __**their**__ home her heart swelled with the clarity of someone who knew beyond any doubt that they were in love._

_The door creaked open slowly and revealed the brightness of the room. Her eyes strained in the light, focussing on the veritable jungle of books arranged in high towers around the room. In the centre sat the shape of Grissom, hunched over a book with his glasses perched on the end of his nose and a look of fascination on his face. _

_Sara couldn't supress the half-smile blossoming on her lips. He was incredibly endearing, even when it was not at all appropriate for him to be considered so. She took a step into the room but he didn't look up. Whatever he was reading it had captured his attention that was for sure. Sara's playful inner child sparked up, picturing this like some sort of forbidden pleasure she shouldn't have been privy to she cleared her throat a little and waited till he acknowledged her presence._

"_Should I leave you alone?" She smirked._

_Grissom, so taken aback by her apparent surprise arrival that they had been planning for weeks, stumbled to his feet sending 3 of the towers cascading to the ground in a waterfall of pages._

"_I…was trying to make room for you" He explained._

_Sara cast her eyes around the room. The previously empty floor space was filled with books of every description; Classic novels, textbooks, reference sources, journals, encyclopaedia's. He had done everything but create more space._

"_Job well done" She responded with a raised eyebrow. _

_Grissom met her smile with one of his own and took the box from her hands, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek by way of a greeting. She hadn't expected him to be nervous too, he was usually so in control and while frustratingly mysterious on the surface was usually meticulously organised underneath. _

_He placed the box carefully on the dining table almost as if it contained the crown jewels. A book sat on the sheer surface, a beam of light shining directly onto the cover and drawing her attention. It was one she recognised immediately. Grissom followed her eyes and placed his hand on the cover before picking it up and turning it over several times._

"_I found something belonging to you" He remarked before handing it to her "I thought you might want to have it back now"_

_Sara felt the weight of the book in her hands, a frown formed on her brow as she let the memories of the last time she had held it in her hands wash over her. She studied the cover, the spine, the blurb and Grissom studied her just as intently. _

'_Plato's Republic' _

_She carefully flicked the pages like a fan, wondering if there was a letter or note pushed between the pages but nothing came until she noticed a tiny scratched G in the corner by her thumb. Her breath hitched in her chest as she opened the book to the page and saw the endearment. So subtle, so miniscule, that she had missed it the first time and yet, so perfectly Grissom that she cherished it more than anything she ever had. _


	9. The Stranger

**A/N: Just wanted to thank you all for sticking with me and sending me reviews. I really do appreciate every one and I am sooo glad you are still enjoying this story as much as I am enjoying writing it. I like this chapter, that may mean it is rubbish but I like it anyway. I haven't had time to respond to you all individually so pkease accept this as my thanks and read on. Much Love, Charli xx**

* * *

When Sara was twelve she had gone back to her house.

She was supposed to be walking to school, normally she loved school. It was a place where she excelled almost naturally and she enjoyed the constant gratification of her collection of A+ grades but instead she had slipped through the hole in the fence on the far end of the street and walked along the path behind the houses where the beach met the grass.

Sara had always loved that her home was by the sea. It was the one thing she missed most while in Vegas. The sound of the sea had been the only constant in her life for so long it had took a lot of getting used to.

Right now she sat on the patch of grass where her father had told her about the stars, she closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the waves lapping at the shore. It almost felt like she was being washed away by the movement, she felt just like she had when she was a child; Small vulnerable and paralysed with fear.

She never dared to look back at the house back then. Something inside her tore her away and told her not to, an instinct perhaps to protect her already fragile sanity. She had walked with her eyes trained on her toes and sat by the gate gazing out to sea. She never looked back, never allowed herself the moment to deal with her trauma at the site.

It was a strange feeling being here again, her inability to face it hadn't been a regret she had harboured. In fact, she barely thought about it but now she was here she had a sudden need to rectify it. This time she was older, stronger and while just as frightened she realised she had nothing left to lose. With a deep breath Sara turned to gaze at the shadow behind her, in place of the house stood an old woman. She watched Sara with some interest as though studying a painting. No spark of recognition lit in Sara's eyes. She was certain she didn't know this woman and yet here she was waiting for her with such awe and gratitude it genuinely made her feel uncomfortable.

She stood in the centre of the now empty plot of land. Sara noticed she was barefoot and the mud left from the demolition covered her toes. She wore a long blue dress with a flowered apron tied neatly around her waist, her eyes were friendly and smiling even when her lips weren't. She was what a young Sara would have considered a stereotypical mother and wife.

As Sara approached her she realised that this woman held something in her hands. It was the item she held that told Sara who she was rather than some kind of recognition. The brightly coloured package seemed to shine in the daylight, ribbons danced in the gentle breeze and Sara felt an overwhelming sense of love for this stranger as she studied the present in her hands.

It was a book, of course. As It always had been.

When Sara turned her eyes back to the woman she was smiling and a small army of children stood behind her. They looked translucent almost like shadows but they were there and she could feel the love and admiration in their presence.

"Hello Sara" The woman said, she spoke in soft welcoming tones and instantly put Sara at ease.

"Do I…. know you?" Sara asked quietly. She had to admit she was a little scared of the answer and it must have shown. The woman took a careful step closer and smiled her beautifully kind smile once more.

"Maybe not" She said "But I know you Sara. My name is Juliette Conway"

Sara tossed the name about in her mind for a moment, searching through her vast library of knowledge for the connection. She did recognise the name, it was a far reaching vague recollection though, a newspaper article or an awards ceremony of some kind back in the bay.

Sara studied her surroundings in greater detail. The mud had slowly disappeared; grass and flowers were in its place. The sun shone down on them and a gentle breeze shifted the air around them awakening the soft floral scent of nature. The children still stood behind her, although their images were grainier now and even more transparent.

"Are those your children?" Logic told Sara it couldn't be possible. There were too many of them, at least a hundred kids stood behind her of various ages and descriptions.

Juliette smiled; fondness shone in her eyes as she gestured behind her and nodded her head.

"You could say that… But they wouldn't have been if it wasn't for you"

Sara frowned, she was sure she'd never met this woman so how she had influenced her prolific reproduction she couldn't begin to guess.

"I know what you went through" She explained, the sympathy in her voice almost palpable "I wanted to help but all I could do was remind you that you mattered. You inspired me to foster… I've seen so many children come through my door, some so broken I wasn't sure I could repair them but if it wasn't for you…I wouldn't have even tried" Juliette held out the parcel in her hands, passing it to Sara without another word.

It felt heavy in her hands, the weight of the symbolism rather than the contents she suspected. Sara carefully peeled back the paper with trembling hands, it had been a long time since she had opened an actual gift and there was something exciting and joyful about doing so.

The contents this time took her breath away though. A tattered and torn old copy of 'Plato's republic' She recognised everything about it; the turned up corners, the well leafed pages, the tiny tear on page 247… with some level of desperation she flipped to the back pages and there scratched on the corner was the initial; one tiny 'G' that had been imprinted on her soul for so long.

"How did you…?" Sara couldn't even begin to express how much this book meant to her. It stunned her to some extent that this woman had been able to bring it to her, even in the limbo-like state they were in. It stunned her even more that the woman seemed to understand the significance it had. She stood back in silence and allowed her all the time she needed to reacquaint herself.

"You're still angry with him…" Juliette commented.

Sara's eyes shot from the book to the woman in front of her. She had felt anger towards Grissom for a long time. She was angry with him for making her wait so long, for making her second best, for leaving her alone but most of all she missed him and her heart felt the grip of grief around it once more as she allowed those emotions she had supressed valiantly for so long return.

"No, not anymore" Sara defended, although she wasn't entirely sure that was true. Her emotions were not straightforward when it came to Gil Grissom, they never had been and she figured they never would be.

"He didn't mean it you know. He just didn't know how to express his feelings" Juliette continued, ignoring her protests "Childhood is a very important time for shaping personality and character"

Sara found herself feeling suddenly defensive, of both herself and of Grissom.

"I know all this…child psychologists reminded me of it every day" Sara dismissed her as another do-gooder attempting to psychoanalyze her. She'd had enough of people telling her what her traumatic childhood would mean for her life. In fact, she'd spent her entire life attempting to overturn those assumptions and judgements.

"Just like you were changed by your childhood, so were other people" Juliette explained "some for the best… and some…not so much"

Juliette pointed directly over Sara's shoulder to a place where Sara knew would hold only the ocean. She turned on her heel all the same, releasing a sigh of exasperation as she did so. The breath, however, caught in her throat as she came face to face with a suburban living room, the walls cut away like a doll house.

Sara stood glued to the spot, her eyes taking in every inch of the scene in front of her. There was an amount of fear in her stance, her body was rigid and she had to consciously will herself not to turn around again. Juliette rested her gentle hand on Sara's shoulder, a reminder that she wasn't alone and one she welcomed.

"You need to see this" She whispered.

_Before her eyes the scene came to life. The TV flickered and a young boy sat on the floor in front of a floral sofa with a long shadow stretching out on it. She knew this scene already, before the confirmation, before a single word was spoken and tears stung at her eyes as it unfolded. That young boy was Grissom; the shadow on the sofa was his father. She was about to witness his death. She didn't want to see it, she was afraid. _

_It took all her will not to call out to the innocent young boy in front of her. He was happy in that moment, his father by his side, his mother singing happily in the kitchen. She knew it was all so fragile; it was all about to shatter into a million pieces like a pane of glass._

_He was watching a cowboy movie; she could hear the sound of the horses' hooves against the ground as the light shone on Gil's face. He looked so full of fascination, like he used to be. His blue eyes shone with excitement and joy, this was a kid who wanted to be one of those cowboys. He wanted to ride a stallion and throw his Stetson up in the air as he hustled a bull or a herd of cattle. He had dreams and wishes like every young boy had, he was happy._

_It all unravelled so quickly. Even the sun seemed to hide away as Betty Grissom came strolling into the room with a tray full of cold drinks. The ice cubes jingled off the glass like bells as she laid the tray on the small coffee table forming a barrier between Gil and the TV._

_She spoke to the shadow, holding a glass in her hand as she did so. When he didn't respond she raised her voice and took hold of his outstretched foot. The shaking didn't work and as she inspected him closer a blood-curdling scream formed on her lips that shook Sara to her very core._

_Gil looked around with wide eyes wondering what was going on. He took to his feet, yelling at his father to wake up and stop upsetting his mother. Tears rolled down his face, matching the tears on hers. She could feel his pain, his confusion and his desperation. She could feel it all and it hurt._

_In among the paramedics, Coroners and mourners that streamed into the house over the next while Gil Grissom stood with a sombre expression beside his mother. Neither of them spoke, not to each other and not to anyone else. Betty stared at the floor, a handkerchief pressed against her lips. She had become detached from everything; her life had become nothing but a shadow of the man she loved with all her heart. An echo left over from a time gone by and Grissom could feel this. Nobody ever told him how or why his father was taken away like that. His mother forbade him from speaking about it and he had no one else. His father had been his confidante, his mentor and his friend._

_There was no resentment from his mother but neither was there the deep love she had expressed before. She didn't bake him cookies on a Friday anymore, she didn't read to him before bed, she didn't watch television sat on the floral sofa with him at her feet. _

_At the funeral a man came up to Grissom and shook his hand, he was an elderly man, probably a friend or colleague of his fathers. He spoke in a low gruff voice as he offered his condolences and then he crouched to whisper into his ear._

"_You need to be the man now Gilbert, you must be strong and solid like your father was" _

With that he disappeared into the crowds of people and became yet another person Gil didn't know.

Sara's sobs didn't even attempt to stay inside her chest as the vision of the sad little boy in the suit faded back to the view of the ocean. She would be lying if she claimed that she hadn't noticed the age gap between Mr and Mrs Grissom. He was many years her senior, something Grissom had failed to mention to her. He had barely spoke of his father, she knew basic facts that he had told her, much like he was reading them from a case sheet but he had never delved into it any further. He had never explained the loneliness he had suffered or how shut out he felt by his own mother. He had never told her about the funeral and the strange man's advice, he had never told her how in the space of a couple of hours his childhood had been wept from under him and washed away into the chasm of adulthood.

It was no wonder he was so afraid of his emotions, he had never been allowed to have them.

Sara composed herself for long enough to turn around and see Juliette disappear along with her children. She nodded a silent thank you in her direction as she faded away and the house returned to shadow the light.

She wasn't afraid anymore; it was just a house after all.


	10. The Loss

_**A/N: Okay, so some of you may not appreciate this chapter… Although if you had been paying any attention you would know that this should mean the next chapter will be a good'un so please don't write me off just yet. Let me know what you think **__** love Charli x**_

Today isn't Sara's birthday.

_She would know if it was; that familiar emptiness that somehow managed to fill her heart on her birthday would be there. Instead she felt something else, a feeling of dread she couldn't quite put her finger on, her feet felt light as she ran in the crisp autumnal air. Leaves of gold and brown danced their way to the sidewalks and lawns as she rushed past, music filled her ears accompanied by the rhythmic thump-thump-thump of her jogging. _

_She hadn't realised she was running, not until she collided full force with a poor unsuspecting stranger who had stopped suddenly to check his phone. Her flustered apology and subsequent red cheeks were interrupted by her cell phone. She would have ignored it, had she still been running. It was probably the lab asking her in early, or Greg chattering about one of three things he always talked about; work, computer games or Morgan._

_As it happens it was neither of those things. _

_It was something she couldn't have been prepared for in a million years and it was about to turn her whole world inside out._

"_Sidle" She answered the call with a curt and sharp greeting. It was an unknown number, meaning it was highly possible it was someone calling to sell her something. The greeting often conveyed the fact that she had little time for small talk and usually put salespeople on edge right from the get go._

_With her spare hand she swiped the sweat beading on her forehead and glanced around attempting to pinpoint her location. She had no idea where she was, it was happening more and more often lately. She ran blind, until she could run no more._

"_Ms Sidle, My name is Kurt Michael, head physician at St John's"_

_Sara immediately stopped what she was doing. A lump was already building in her throat; as though she knew what was coming before Dr Michael even spoke again. The day was suddenly a whole lot darker, clouds seemed to close in around her and the rest of the world moved so quickly it made her dizzy.  
"I am calling about Mr Gil Grissom" Her mind shot back to the last time she had spoken to Gil Grissom. He had been somewhat disjointed as he spoke of their separation. It broke her heart to realise how much thought he had put into it, as though it had been on his mind for a long time. He had everything sorted out already; making a clean break was for the best he had said. She couldn't say she agreed but at the time she had been so stunned that no argument would make its way to her lips, she had simply listened and tried not to make it obvious that tears were slowly streaking down her face._

"_Yes?" Her voice cracked even with such a small word. A part of her knew exactly what was coming. It made sense to her, more than the man she adored with all her heart suddenly deciding he didn't feel the same way._

"_I'm afraid it's not good news"_

_Sara somehow found herself seated on a hard, unforgiving bench by the side of the road talking to this Dr for what felt like hours but was probably only minutes. It was almost like an out of body experience, she could hear what he was saying and hear herself responding, she knew she was nodding and changing which hand she held the phone with but none of it seemed to sink in or make sense to her foggy mind. Before she knew what was really happening she was off and running again, heading home with panic rising in her chest._

_The entire way home words would rush through her mind, key words from the conversation she had just had. _

_Last wishes._

_Goodbye._

_End Stage._

_Chemotherapy._

_Confusion._

_Pain._

_Cancer._

_**Cancer.**_

_These words seemed highlighted in her mind. Jumping out at her and replaying over and over again in no particular order. She had to get to him, she knew that. It was the only thing she did know in that moment. Grissom needed her, and she was going to be there._

_She wasn't entirely sure she knew how she got her bags packed, or her shifts covered or on the flight out of Las Vegas but she did. She sat on the plane in a daze and watched as Las Vegas disappeared beneath her, she stared at the chair in front of her as though she expected it to give her the meaning of life; she ignored the stewardess with her overly friendly greetings and her painted on smile. She ran through every cherished memory she had of the man who held her heart, he may have tried to hand it back but it would always belong to him, from the very first moment she had felt that flutter in her chest when she looked into his eyes._

_The fear she felt building in her chest when she approached the huge white building was almost enough to make her flee. She wasn't sure she could face seeing him sick; he had always been so strong and so commandeering._

_The building was very quiet, her steps echoed off the walls and a steady soundtrack of beeps filled the sterile air. A young woman with bright red hair sat behind the desk flicking through a magazine and chewing gum in the side of her mouth. She seemed so disinterested Sara was sure she could walk straight past her without her noticing but as it stood she had no idea where her 'husband' currently was._

"_Umm Excuse me?" She cursed her quiet, nervy voice. _

_She took a deep breath and repeated but the woman still didn't look up from her issue of Marie Clare. Sara noticed the earphone buds in the girl's ears and opened her mouth, about to educate the woman on customer service and ear health when a middle-aged man in a crisp white lab coat suddenly approached her._

"_Ms Sidle?" Sara didn't have time to ponder how this stranger knew who she was, or bother with introductions. Her mind was awash with new words now, or rather moments, silly moments that would probably be deemed insignificant to most, a brush of a hand, a casual term of endearment, a whispered confession._

_Sara had never felt the need to think about the years that had passed them by, they had all been far too painful. All of the time spent wanting and waiting for something that seemed to be far more difficult than she had ever hoped for it to be. _

_She had found herself looking at Grissom and feeling infuriated to the core about the things that he had never managed to say to her. _

_Underpinning the angst was the desire to know him completely, to have melted into his life until he couldn't tell where he ended and she begun. She wanted nothing more than to know that after everything, that despite everything he was there. _

_And that truth was slowly slipping away. They were running short of time._

_That feeling of time running out was only emphasised as she was shown to a small room at the end of a long corridor with the words 'Gilbert Grissom' in black letters on the door. Her heart seemed to stop in her chest and she cursed all those lost moments, all those times when she hadn't told him to true depth of her feelings or when she hadn't given him the chance to tell her. _

"_He's been asking for you…." The doctor said._

_It struck a chord with her, somewhere deep down she knew that he still loved her and that he always would. She had known this to be fact and it had been the only comforting factor she had had in recent months when she went home alone and woke up alone. _

_All the preparation she had been forcing her mind to do, all the internal pep talks fell to the wayside as she stepped into the other world of Grissom's tiny hospital room. Her breath stopped in her chest and her legs stopped moving her forward. She was paralysed, perhaps with fear, perhaps pity, she couldn't be sure. The doctor rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder, propelling her forward to face her greatest fear. _

_Their time had run out._

_Grissom lay stretched out on the bed, his skin pale and clammy and his face sunken and grey. He slept the monitor on the left hand side of the bed beeping rhythmically to reassure her of his life. His chest didn't move slowly up and down like you would expect of a sleeping man, he shuddered with each breath like it took a tremendous effort just to fill his lungs. _

_His illness had aged him and worn him out, the thick curls of hair she had once loved to run her fingers through had become sparse and wiry, clumps were missing showing the skin on his scalp. His bones seemed to be trying to poke out from his skin at the joints, an uncomfortable looking IV feed sat on his arm and a tube wrapped around his face feeding oxygen into his nose._

_Tears stung at Sara's eyes and she didn't even make an attempt to fight them. In that moment she would have given anything to swap places with him. He was a part of her and while she had always had faith they would find their way back to each other, she had never imagined it to be like this._

"_How long, Doctor?" Sara whispered. She wasn't sure she wanted to know, Grissom looked like he was facing death already._

"_A matter of days, maybe hours" He declared._

_He seemed surprisingly calm given she had just torn her heart from her chest and trampled all over it in front of her. She suspected he had to do this a lot; the impact of breaking such terrible news was lost on him now._

"_Have you contacted his mother, or a…a priest?"_

_She was surprised at her logical thinking; she certainly didn't feel logical in that moment. She could feel the world rushing away from under her feet and a rising panic filling her body._

"_His only wishes were to see you Ms Sidle…" With a sympathetic nod the doctor backed out of the room allowing her the privacy she needed. _

_For a long moment she stood there, rooted to the spot and afraid to move forward. Moving forward meant facing the future and a future without Grissom was just too much for her to bear. He had always been her safety net, no matter how unsteady the ride and how choppy the waters she knew they would ride the storm and come out of the other end wrapped in each-other's arms._

_He stirred in the bed, startling her and forcing her across the room and to his side. She settled her body into the creaky plastic chair by the window, reaching out for his already outstretched hand._

_It frightened her how cold he was already, it was something she should have been prepared for but everything slowed as he carefully grasped his skeletal fingers around her hand._

"_You came…" He whispered._

_He sounded so weak, his lips cracked and dry and his eyelids heavy. Sara quickly took hold of the glass of water on the bedside table and held the straw to his lips. He shook and trembled as he sipped at the fluid and she could see the effort of the movement draining what little energy he had left._

"_Of course I came" Sara muttered through the tears. She was beginning to tremble herself now, the power of her emotions overwhelming her. She could still picture how he had looked the first time she had met him, such an inspiring passionate man. He had owned that lecture hall, commanded the attention of every student and guided her on a path to forensics that she had excelled in and he had looked at her with those crystal blue eyes that told her more than he ever needed to verbalise._

_Those eyes had never changed, most people didn't see the depths that she did and for that she was thankful. She could close her eyes at any time and be transported to the darkness of their bedroom where she could see his eyes casting over her and feel his hands on her skin. She could remember every touch, every kiss and every tender moment they shared and the eyes she pictured when she was transported back there were the same eyes she saw now as she looked at the shell before her._

"_Sara…I'm..I'm so sorry…" Grissom tried to heave himself into a seated position but his body wouldn't cooperate and the effort of the failed attempt left him breathless. _

"_Please, just rest" Sara soothed. She wanted to scream at him for shutting her out and pushing her away but in actual fact she totally understood why he had. She had done the same, many times before, she knew how hard it was to let people be there for you and to support you through tough times. She knew what it was like to want to protect the people you loved from heartbreak. "It's Okay"_

_It wasn't ok, she could tell by his laboured breathing that the end was near. She suddenly had so much she wanted to say to him, so many questions, so many confessions and she knew there was no time. His grip tightened around her hand as he pulled her closer. His hand caressed her cheek and she felt tears settle on her eyelashes. Sara could feel his slow breath on her neck, what little heat he had left in his body embraced her as he held her close. She sunk into this embrace, allowing their hearts to connect again, allowing the memories of their love to reignite the spark within them and for a moment it was beautiful. For one absolutely perfect moment they were suspended in time. _

_Grissom's grip soon loosened, his body soon relaxed and the monitor soon began to scream for attention as the room filled with doctors. Sara took a large step back, her hand grasping her tear streaked face. She couldn't, wouldn't accept that is was over already, she shook her head uncontrollably uttering no over and over. _

_The doctor she had spoken to glanced at he rounded the bed before calling out words to his team that she simply let fly over her head. She was looking at Grissom, his lifeless body laid out on the bed like so many she had seen before and yet this time she felt the raw ache it left all over her body as she looked._

_She was ushered outside by a small sympathetic looking nurse, she didn't know it but she was yelling. She was crying out about not being able to say goodbye, about lost opportunities and true love. She was inconsolable out there in the white empty corridor although she didn't know it, she had no concept of her behaviour, all she knew was that she still wasn't ready to say goodbye._

_After what felt like a few hours in the hallway the doctor came outside and took her hand. This offer of condolence was enough to send her over the edge again, tears rolled freely down her face as she attempted to listen to what he was saying. He led her back into the room and Grissom lay there, his monitor still beeping that glorious steady sound but he was intubated to help him breathe. His body was so tired of the fight, so exhausted it couldn't keep up anymore. It was only a matter of time before they couldn't maintain his life, this time she had to be ready._

_She sat by his bed for a long time. Everything she had ever wanted to say to him spilled out through her tears. She felt like she had taken his hand and walked with him through their entire history just to end up right back where they began. _

_By some remarkable act of fate the doctor didn't turn up until she was finished, he clouded the doorway and met her eye telling her that it was time. Sara, now resigned to the fact that she had to let go, simply nodded and gripped his hand a little tighter. _

_The doctor moved quickly, removing the tube from his throat and the wires from his arms and stepping away allowing them their space. Grissom choked a little as he fought to take his own breaths; she reached out a hand to him and leaned close so that their faces were touching._

_She could feel his facial hair bristle against her cheek, it had always been a sensation she enjoyed and one she held synonymous to him. As her tears left moisture on his face he was sure he held her hand just a little tighter before he left, a tiny understated endearment that meant the world to her. _

_Sara held him tight as he took his last breath, a whispered 'I love you' being the last words she ever spoke to him. And those words were never enough._


End file.
